You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
