apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
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That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Boobs are out for the taking
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How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
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