People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
