I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
