so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
