OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
