but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
