My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
