Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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