so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
