My liver just broke up with me...
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you will always have a special place in my vag
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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