i already hear my dad disowning me
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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