Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
