end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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