Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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