so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
