Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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