I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
