Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
