I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
