Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
