whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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