come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
