just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I fill condoms, not promises.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
not ubering you a puppy
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