I will die if light touches me.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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