Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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