Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
