He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
