I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
