i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
