just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I would ride that face into the sunset
It all started with a game of naked twister.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
