I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
