On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Randomize
