Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
