you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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