His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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