dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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