okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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