Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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