He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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