last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
