he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize