God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
