Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
