best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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