I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
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