i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
