I'm gonna have a badass scar
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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