no one should ever give us hovercrafts
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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