Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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