I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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