New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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