My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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