Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
