Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
