i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
