Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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