He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Pants are for mortals
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
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