Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
