I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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