bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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