I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
