I think I died a long time ago.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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