We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand