Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
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Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
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You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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